THE POOP SCOOP (or a
cautionary tale in which I learn not to believe everything I read on the web.)
I often
use Dr. Google as a reference in health matters, instead of incurring the cost
of going to my doctor, only to discover that he also, in order to answer my
questions or address my symptoms, turns to his computer and googles.
Last week I became interested in why my poop was black. I
wondered what that meant, knowing that poop color can signal illness or merely
tell what a person has been eating; for example, red poop and pee means I’ve
been eating beets. I hadn’t eaten beets, and the poop was black. So, I googled
“black poop.”
Pages of sites popped up on my Google list. More people than
I ever dreamed of had the same question. Perhaps black poop had become an outbreak
of epidemic proportions. That thought gave me pause.
I clicked on the Mayo Clinic site and read. And froze. All
systems froze. Denial arose. Surely what I read could not apply to me.
I clicked on the next site, and the next site--webmd.com. healthgrades.com. medicinenet.com.
No, I hadn’t drunk any Pepto-Bismol or eaten licorice, which
could cause black poop. None of the possible non-horrible reasons suggested on
these websites applied. That left only the horrible reasons.
As the saying goes, my
shortened life flashed before my eyes. I might be afflicted with kidney disease
or a perforated ulcer. Esophogeal, stomach or intestinal bleeding.
Oh, my god, I was going to die! I was going to die!
What
was I going to do? Would I want a service or not? I weighed the pros and cons. Right
then I decided I would not tell my husband of my findings just yet, because
there were fun events coming up in our lives. I didn’t want to miss any of them
in lieu of making preparations to die. I wouldn’t tell my friends, either, for
the same reasons. I had things to do, it was summer, and I just wanted to enjoy
my last moments on Earth.
I hoped
only to have enough energy to complete my amusements. In order to determine my level
of energy as a baseline, I took a quick assessment of my present condition. I
felt fine. My stomach didn’t hurt. I peed right on schedule. I was amazingly
healthy given what these sites told me I was dying of.
Feeling so well, I realized I was unwilling to accept my
certain fate as promised by these
websites, I hoped for another opinion. I opened another site,
ibdcrohns.about.com, and read more. There, off to the side under a photo of a
bowl of blueberries, I read, “A bowl of blueberries is a healthy snack but they
can also turn your stool black, causing ‘false melena.’”
Why the heck wasn’t this exception placed FIRST in all the
symptom explanations of ALL the sites? Why did I have to die at least four
deaths before I came to this sentence?
Of course. I’d picked blueberries two days before, and when
I pick blueberries, it’s four for me and one or two for the bowl. In this
manner, I’m certain I ate waaaay more than one cup of blueberries. Please
assure me I’m not the only one who picks blueberries this way. How can one
refrain when the blueberries are fat, fresh, tasty, healthy for us, and so
readily available?
I offer readers this cautionary tale in case some of you
pick blueberries the way I do and suffer the consequences, then in your search
for explanation regarding your symptom do not find the teensy relieving photo
and sentence. I also offer this cautionary tale if you have a dramatic bent and
only a small wisp of common sense and leap immediately to the worst conclusion.
The lesson in my newfound wisdom is this: Many doctors hate
Dr. Google for a reason. Don’t believe everything you read on the web.
